A girl I know from previous classes came up to me and said, "How's it going?! How was your Christmas break?!" Ummm...how do I even begin to answer that question?
By the time I left school I had a meltdown in my car. I then proceeded to pat myself on the back as I realized I only cried twice that day.
And then it hit me. I. Have. Changed. So. SO. Much.
Between all my closest friends in high school, they would be able to count on one hand how many times they saw me cry...during all 4 years. So, here I am, super happy to only cry twice in a school day. I take a deep breath. And decide again to be "okay" with where & and who I am.
I read this quote the other day:
Life is all about being okay with plan "B"
I guess this is plan "B." Letting go of all the expectations I had for myself. Being okay with being way more emotional than I used to be. Being okay with the fact that I have zero motivation. Being okay that I am not super happy and bubbly like I used to be. Being okay that I'm not back to "normal" and it's been over a month. Being okay with not being okay.
Let's be honest, who wants to be the basket case in the room? No one. I for sure don't. I loved having my junk together and knowing that I was fine. But all that has changed. I have changed. And that has been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with. To accept the fact that I am not okay and that I need help. What is it about us that wants to act like everything is just peachy...even when it isn't? Why can't we be open, say we are a mess and that we need help? What's the big deal? We are all super messed up in our own ways. So why don't we just be honest, ask for help, and support each other?
I've learned a lot - more than I probably wanted to - and I am continuing to learn. Accepting Plan "B" and the way it is shaping my life, figuring out how to navigate life again, humbling myself + asking for help, and relying on God to figure it all out for me.
God + His grace.
God + His embrace.
God + His love.
God + His son.
God + His mercy.
God + His patience.
God + His understanding.
= makes everything seem "okay."