A girl I know from previous classes came up to me and said, "How's it going?! How was your Christmas break?!" Ummm...how do I even begin to answer that question?
By the time I left school I had a meltdown in my car. I then proceeded to pat myself on the back as I realized I only cried twice that day.
And then it hit me. I. Have. Changed. So. SO. Much.
Between all my closest friends in high school, they would be able to count on one hand how many times they saw me cry...during all 4 years. So, here I am, super happy to only cry twice in a school day. I take a deep breath. And decide again to be "okay" with where & and who I am.
I read this quote the other day:
Life is all about being okay with plan "B"
I guess this is plan "B." Letting go of all the expectations I had for myself. Being okay with being way more emotional than I used to be. Being okay with the fact that I have zero motivation. Being okay that I am not super happy and bubbly like I used to be. Being okay that I'm not back to "normal" and it's been over a month. Being okay with not being okay.
Let's be honest, who wants to be the basket case in the room? No one. I for sure don't. I loved having my junk together and knowing that I was fine. But all that has changed. I have changed. And that has been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with. To accept the fact that I am not okay and that I need help. What is it about us that wants to act like everything is just peachy...even when it isn't? Why can't we be open, say we are a mess and that we need help? What's the big deal? We are all super messed up in our own ways. So why don't we just be honest, ask for help, and support each other?
I've learned a lot - more than I probably wanted to - and I am continuing to learn. Accepting Plan "B" and the way it is shaping my life, figuring out how to navigate life again, humbling myself + asking for help, and relying on God to figure it all out for me.
God + His grace.
God + His embrace.
God + His love.
God + His son.
God + His mercy.
God + His patience.
God + His understanding.
= makes everything seem "okay."
Powerful insights. I'm not sure you'll ever be normal in the same way again but there are pluses to that. After Job went through his trials he was never the same, either. He learned, in a way he never had before, that God was everything to him. He learned to say "I know that my Redeemer lives" and KNOW that in a way he couldn't in his comfortable normal life. God will not waste this--awful as it is.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet Brookie...my heart hurts for you. I've been praying for all of you to be okay with how you feel or don't feel at any given moment. Its much better to allow yourself to feel everything than to shut down or pretend you're okay. Eventually you will find a new "normal", but don't feel like that has to happen by a certain time. You are so loved and surrounded by people who would drop everything to help you...take advantage of that. I love you sweets! You're amazing!
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