And there he is. Consuming my thoughts again with what used to be. I'm reminded of the days we would run together (rain or shine). The times I would fall asleep with my head on his chest. The long conversations that have shaped me into the person I am today.
The memories flood my mind and I feel it again. That stab to my heart that I've become accustomed to in these last three weeks. That feeling that takes my breath away. That moment I remember I will never have that again. That moment I'm reminded again that this is my life. That this is real. And he isn't here.
Saturday will mark one month since he died. To say this past month has been the hardest time of my life would be a vast understatement. There really are no words to describe it. I have never felt so entirely consumed with sadness. The man I loved, more than words can describe, is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. Sometimes that can't even sink in. And, at other times, it sinks in and pulls me down with it.
Making myself get out of bed in the morning. Forcing myself to eat - even if the thought of food made me feel nauseous. Wanting nothing more than to wrap up in a blanket, get in the fetal position, and sleep for as long as I could. The thought of talking to anyone seemed daunting. The thought of logging into my email, let alone responding to one, was inconceivable.
People say that time will help. Well, it does. People say time will heal. Well, I'm still waiting for that. People say that gaping hole in my heart will never go away. Well, crap.
What I've learned is this:
-God is all consuming.
-God can pull me out of my darkest times and give me rest.
-Family means more than most anything.
-I love God now, more than ever.
-I am allowed to feel however I feel - and it's okay when that changes 10,000x a day.
Yesterday I responded to three emails. THREE! I've been working out. I don't have to force myself to eat - it comes naturally most of the time. I respond to most text messages within the same day of receiving them. And I even met someone for coffee the other day.
These are huge victories for me. I am proud of them. It may seem small and insignificant, but that is what I will hold onto. I will be proud of the progress I have made. I'm going to take my time and be patient with myself. I'm going to be okay with telling people I don't want to hang out - I'm not to that victory yet. I'm going to let myself stay in my PJs all day if that's what I need. And it's all okay.
For now, all I need is:
and encouragement (letters always help).
Other than that, I just need God to hide me away: