I prayed, made a list of pros and cons, asked people for advice. And then I bit the bullet. I pulled out of school. Dropped all my classes. So there you have it: in a matter of seconds, with a few clicks of the mouse, I made (what seemed to be) a monumental decision.
And this is what I learned:
Society is all about doing. Everyone asks, "What are you up to?" or "What are you doing?" It's all about the go, go, go in the US of A. To us, a week long vacation seems like such a looooong time to take off. It seems so sacred to be able to do that. Seems completely unreasonable - unfathomable, even - to take off longer than that. We don't go on "holidays" for weeks at a time. When do we ever take time for ourselves? Stop. Breathe. Enjoy life. Rejuvenate. And savor what we have in life.
Well, I for one can say that I've never done that. I've never put aside time to focus on me. It seems like a totally foreign concept. I have no idea what that would even look like! But, like it or not, that's where I'm at. For this semester I'm being forced - in a way - to slow down. No job. No school. No set schedule.
Most people I've told that to sigh deeply and say, "You're so lucky! That sounds so amazing!"
It's true. I'm blessed. And this time will be blessed. However, I've gotta admit, it wasn't easy making that decision. I'm all of the sudden asking myself: what is my purpose, what am I working for, and what do I really want to do? With nothing to "work for" I find myself wondering how much weight I put on my achievements. Do I find my joy and my purpose in things that actually matter? At the end of the day do I find my true joy and purpose, my fulfillment and truth, in Christ?
For me, I found that I don't always do that. I sometimes I have tunnel vision: I'm going to get through school, somehow find out what I want to do with my life, get a job, travel, marry, have kids, etc. All of that is fine, admirable, and even good. However, if my ultimate goal isn't to seek God, His purpose, His Kingdom, and His face, then I've got it all wrong. That's not to say those things weren't my goals before, but I don't think I truly put them in the forefront. If my biggest dream isn't to be with Him in heaven, I think I have my desires a little mixed up.
So I guess this is my "holiday" to let God show me...uhh...whatever He wants to show me.
To guide me through grief.
To show me that true joy is in Him.
To tune my ear to hear His voice.
To set my feet on the path that goes straight to Him.
To find contentment in sitting quietly by His side.
And to find fulfillment in His word.
P.S. I'm planning on going back to school in the Fall to finish up my degree :)